New Beginnings

I've been slacking pretty badly with my #2014BloggerChallenges lately. I'll get the email with the topic, and completely forget to write it up. Bad, I know, but hey, I've been pretty busy lately! But here's this week's post about new beginnings.

I wasn't sure how to approach this. I'm entering my third and final year (not including my post-grad course next year) of university, and I didn't think that much had changed in comparison to the last two years. But I was pretty wrong. A LOT has changed in this past year that for months, made me an emotional ticking time bomb. One minute I'd be perfectly fine, and the next, I'd lock myself in my room and just cry to myself.

There was so much confusion with Mr. T. I went back to uni with no intention of getting back together with him at all. I wanted him to regret his choices, of course, but I didn't want to give him a second chance. He'd lost that right. But that changed when I saw him, and every memory I had with him came flooding back and sent me into a state of confusion. I didn't want to give him another chance. He'd hurt me, yet when he came to me wanting to talk, saying how he was also confused... I couldn't help but talk to him, and figure out what we wanted to do. I didn't want to jump back into a relationship, but I didn't want us to not try. It was one of the most confusing times for the both of us, and for about 5 or 6 months, I still didn't know if it was going to go anywhere - was it even a relationship yet?

And then in October, me and my then best-friend had a HUGE fall-out, one that I've been unsure about whether or not I should go into detail at some point on here... I've never argued with anyone that much before, never felt like I was being victimised (even though I know she felt the same way towards me). It was one of the most stressful times of my life. I just wanted for us to be friends again (she was like my sister), but I didn't want to give up my position and to say that I was in the wrong, when I genuinely didn't believe that I was, and I still don't. It didn't help that I had to live with her for the next 8 months, either. I've always been scared of confrontation, and this put my limits to the test, big time.

So this time, I'm looking forward to a new beginning, in a way. My relationship with Mr. T is the best it's ever been, and I'm so happy with him. I'm finally at a point where I feel stable. And I'm looking forward to living with two of my favourite people, with as minimal drama and arguments as possible *she says hopefully*. I have a part-time job to keep some money coming in so that I can save up for the costs of living next year, and I'm looking forward to just enjoying my final year at Kent with the people I love.

The Problem With Love

As far as relationships go, mine is pretty unconventional. Without counting our blip last summer, Mr T and I have been together for roughly a year and a half, which is pretty damn long! Yet, he's always had an issue with saying certain things.

He's not an emotional person by any means, so trying to get him to tell me what his issue with "I love you" is, has always been something I've struggled with. I mean sure, saying "I love you" for the first time is always hard. Is it the right time? Do I definitely feel that way? Do they feel the same? etc. etc. But when you know for sure that they do, that should make it easier, right?

About 6 months ago, I asked him why he couldn't feel those things. Yes, he cared about me a lot, but sometimes a girl just wants to be loved, and to know why someone can't yet feel that way. At that point, he told me that he thought it was to do with how things were with his ex, and that he's never truly loved anyone in that way before, so he doesn't know what it felt like.

At that point I knew that he didn't love me. They say that you know when you know, and he definitely didn't know.

I didn't bring it up again, but for the next few months after that, there was a huge change in our relationship, and I started to see a real difference in his actions. It seemed like maybe he was starting to feel things more.

About a month ago, I asked him why he's scared of emotional commitment, and I finally got the real answer. He explained that when you say you love someone, everything becomes so much more intense, and if something goes wrong, it's 100 times worse than if you didn't say that.

It's true, of course it is. But why does that have to stop you from saying that you love someone? I spent the weekend with him for his sister's wedding. A weekend surrounded by love and happiness, and all I wanted to do was tell him that I love him. But I couldn't help thinking that if I said that to him (even though he knows I do), he would feel pressured to say the same, even if he wasn't ready for it.

Love is one of the most powerful emotions we can feel as humans. And the most beautiful. To feel so strongly about another person is scary, especially if you've never experienced that before. But isn't it worth it to let those emotions out, and show the other person how much you care? Because even if something does go wrong, it would still hurt for you. Just because you don't tell someone how you feel, it doesn't stop you from feeling that way.

I'm still waiting for my "I love you". Don't stop someone else from hearing yours. Because trust me, there's nothing better than hearing the person you love say they love you too.